Why?

I have a few blogs written that are neatly arranged and awaiting their moment to shine. Today I want to publish a list of incoherent mumblings. Because. I. Can.

Here are few of my questions –

Why is there such a stigma attached to mental health hospitals? Three meals a day – made by someone else – and served to me in bed. You cannot beat that with a stick. Then you get to go talk to someone about everything that is bothering you. Later in the day you can talk to a group about all of your problems. All of this is done in your pajamas and/or bathrobe. Some even have a religious side to them. Peace, quiet, and bible study.

Why do I get so mad when my bible study is interrupted? Perhaps I am not gleaming all that I should from these lessons because I get pissed when someone walks in the room. Can I not have a minute by my damn self? Maybe I shouldn’t do them at work.

Why do I always assume all people are wonderful? I fill in what I don’t know about them with positive ideologies, and then I get upset when I find the truth. Always a disappointment, but then again I always set myself up for it.

Why do State Troopers look at me like I am crazy when I get gas in my tooth fairy outfit? I’m the tooth fairy – not a hooker. If I was a hooker I would not be a very good one considering that I am looking for business in the middle of the day. Add that to the long list of why I would not be a good hooker.

Speaking of hookers, why do the makers of clothing for teenage girls seem to be pimps? I found myself telling my oldest daughter this weekend that there was no way I was spending her daddy’s hard earned money on clothes that made her look like a hooker. She said, “Did you have to say that? Out loud?”

Why didn’t Petrino get a Go Phone?

I’ve talked about this one before…. Why is there not a mind reading class for men? I think the prerequisite for the class should be Hint Taking. I have discussed this in a blog before, and still no class. I really wish someone should make it happen. Someone get James Henry on the horn.

Why is Airplane still my favorite movie of all time? I first saw the movie when I was six. My family and I were traveling to Mexico for a vacation. We spent the night in New Orleans the night before we flew to Mexico early the next morning. I spent the night in the hotel room with my three older sisters. I honestly could not understand why my parents did not want me in the room with them to keep them company. My sisters let me watch a movie about a plane crashing. I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Why am I so gifted in sticking my foot in my mouth? This deserves an entire blog.

Why am I in such a bad mood lately? Maybe I just need to go hang out at Lacy’s house for a night. We drink beer, talk about everything that is bothering us, lie around the next morning in pajamas, and…….

Wait. I see a correlation here…..

Thanks for reading, and I hope you feel better about yourself.

Buffet

This weekend we went to the Easter Buffet at the Country Club where I proceeded to fling fish across the serving line and flung melon on the floor. You would think I would know my way around a large grouping of self serve food. Buffets are important to our family, so much so that we went to early church to ensure we could get to the buffet before all the good shit was gone.

My first experience with buffets was Duff’s as a child. I thought it was an amazing place, especially since you could stand in one spot while the items turned on a wheel in front of you. There were little dividers so it was like the prize portion of Wheel of Fortune when you could still pick your prizes out of certain rooms. It was my five year old dream come true to be able to reach up and snatch a plate of fried chicken off the wheel. I was finally tall enough to do so when I turned six. I even got to carry my own tray. I kept standing there because I just knew something better was going to come along next. It probably took me 20 minutes to decide what I wanted. I got fried chicken and jello. After ranting and raving about being able to carry my own tray, I was a ball of nerves walking to the table. When I finally reached my destination, I exhaled a sigh of relief.

I traveled quite a bit to various luxurious destinations with my parents while I was a child. I expanded my palette over time in wonderful restaurants. I can also tell you I heard the words, “Look! It’s a buffet!” numerous times in my childhood. Now when my entire family gets together for special occasions, we have to go to a buffet. Imagine 25 Klumps descending on a buffet. That’s us.

A few years ago Lacy and I went on a cruise together. She was pregnant for the cruise so therefore I promised her I would have her back if anything went down on the boat. Be careful when you say you’ve got a pregnant woman’s back. I walked into the buffet one morning when I saw Lacy loudly telling some woman, “The Line For The Buffet Starts Back There!” while pointing her finger to the back of the line. The term “some woman” was being used loosely because my pregnant friend was talking smack to a 400 pound freight train that evidently trained for the woman’s German weightlifting team. After the situation was diffused and the woman was too afraid to cut, I asked Lacy why she had to pick the biggest bitch on the boat. She replied, “that bitch picked the wrong buffet”.

I understand about being pregnant on a cruise. I was pregnant with my third child on a cruise and would set my alarm for the midnight buffet. The pizza buffet was open 24 hrs so I would wake up early, get pizza, then go back to sleep before breakfast. When I returned home and stepped up to the scales at the doctor’s office the nurse asked what the hell happened. I hug my head as far as my double chin would allow and confessed I wanted to get my money’s worth out of the cruise.

I’m sure now you are expecting my analogy of life as it pertains to a buffet. Maybe a reference to standing and waiting for something better to come along. Perhaps something about how life offers you too much.

No. Sorry. Just remember to get to the buffet before all the good shit is gone.


Thanks for reading and i hope you feel a little better about yourself.