How I Roll

This is how I rolled into work this morning. Let me clarify – how I rolled into my first meeting of the day. Deodorant on your black shirt is okay to many people if it is a one time thing, but not when you add it to all my other wardrobe malfunctions. I have a history….

Underwear – Last week I felt a breeze when I hopped out of the car at the gas station because my dress was tucked in my panties. At least they were pretty panties. Once I was in Wal Mart in my grey sweater dress with black tights when I got so hot I thought I was going to pass out. I went into the bathroom to remove the tights and felt soooo much better. Better until I realized that the people staring at me could see my bright green large cotton underwear through the sweater dress. I just thought my fine short little ass still had it!

Once in high school I was visiting a church with a friend one Sunday morning. The elastic in my panties apparently gave up the fight and my underwear fell down right before we walked into the sanctuary. Being the quick thinker that I am, I kicked them off and stuck them behind the potted plants in the corner and just casually walked off. I’m a big fan of band aid solutions. I forgot to go back and get my panties after church. I went to a boarding school where everyone had to have their names in every piece of clothing….

Shoes – I love high heels. They do not love me. I have twisted my ankles, broken heels, and had my stilettos stuck in cracks all over the country. Once after completing my first half marathon I was in my office at the Girl Scout office when one of the older girls said she could teach me how to do the electric slide. I was all for it and jumped up in my high heeled boots and started my lesson. I took a misstep into a large shipping box behind me and ended up having to go to the doctor. That was after I apologized profusely to the girl for knocking her into the wall during my fall.

I either go big or go home. It is high heels or nothing. I have started taking flying lessons. I know, it is the last damn thing I need to be doing, but I want to learn. My flight instructor shall remain nameless, but due to the fact that I still call important instruments “thingy” and give him a ton of shit to put up with, let’s just refer to him as Job. Before I started one of my last lessons the conversation went a little like this:

Me: “Can I fly in high heels?”

Job:”No mam.”

Me: “Well I am coming straight from work. Are you sure?”

Job: “Yes I am sure.”

Me: “Can I just fly barefoot?”

Job: “NO YOU CANNOT FLY BAREFOOT!”

Me: “Geez you sure are cranky. I drive barefoot all the time. It’s no big deal.”

Job: he just puts his head down and closes his eyes.

Clothing in general – I have walked around town with holes in my pants, shirts unbuttoned, and sweaters on backwards. Hell I’ve even worn a dress backwards all damn day long. I have run in not so supportive bras, not so flattering pants, and shorts that rode up in bad places. I have a closet full of shit that doesn’t look good on me. I really don’t care.

The next time you see me walking with my dress in my panties, a half a roll of toilet paper dragging behind my shoe, and my sweater inside out, just say a little prayer. I didn’t name this blog a Diary of a Busy Mess just for shits and giggles.

thank you for reading my post. I hope you feel a little better about yourself.