Life’s Little Instructions

1. Never say the words – “My child will never do that”. Your child will do that. As well as talking other friends into doing it as well.

2. You cannot repair a vacuum with a butter knife. Or a toaster.

3. No one gives a rats flying fat ass about which formal china pattern you pick out when you get married.

4. Hydroxy Cut gives you diarrhea, not muscles.

5. At one time or another, everyone will be broke.

6. The next time you are sick of everyone’s bullshit, take a look behind you at the wagon o’ bullshit you are pulling around behind you. Mine is in a U-Haul.

7. Baking Soda toothpaste and Peroxide mouthwash do not go together.

8. Oreos are not a gateway drug. Let your kids have a few.

9. Just because someone lives in a beautiful house, gives wonderful party favors, and seems like Martha Stewart does not mean they have their life together.

10. The shit does not fall far from the bat. If her momma is crazy, chances are she is too.

11. Women don’t like being called crazy.

12. “Well if I had known you were going to make such a big damn deal about it I would have just done this from the start” is not a good way to start an apology to your husband.

13. Screw it. Order dessert.

14. Your children will only be with you for a fraction of your life. They will be gone before you know it and off in their own lives. Boss them around while you can.

15. If you call your husband home from work one day because you desperately need him to rescue you and he hurries home to find you standing on top of the bed clutching a three year old and an infant babbling about how you sucked up a lizard in the vacuum cleaner – he will bring that up the next time you say you are a “tough” woman.

And last but not least – Life is not a dress rehearsal. You can sleep when you are dead. When you are old you will regret what you didn’t do, not what you did do. You can always turn a Sunday into a Saturday. The graveyard is full of indispensible people. Getting laid makes everything better.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you feel a little bit better about yourself.