Tone it or Tan it

My goal this summer has been to tone all parts of my body if possible. If there are certain areas (my flabby tummy) that cannot be mastered, I will simply tan it until it looks slimmer. In order to make myself stick with the plan I bought a two piece bathing suit in Wal Mart. Who doesn’t buy bikinis where they buy their paper products and milk?

I am one of the palest people on the planet, or at least in south Arkansas. I am so pale I could sit in a high school cafeteria, hold out my hand, and move all the forks to my hand while plastering everyone with mashed potatoes. Okay maybe I am not as pale as the guy in the movie Powder, but I am close. Needless to say I have not spent much time in a tanning bed.

I decided to venture into the Skin Cancer To Go store down the street from my house. When I walked in the girl behind the counter was gnawing on a piece of gum so hard it made my jaw hurt. When I inquired if I could purchase a group of tanning visits she replied, “Uh huh”. I then asked if they had the stand up beds available. Her reply was of course, “Uh huh”. I first encountered this Rhodes Scholar when using this venue for my spray on tans. Anyone who has ever been in one of those spray on booths knows the awkwardness of standing there with a shower cap on and assuming the “crouching tiger” position while completely naked.

She tells me to go into booth three and she will turn the machine on for me. I get out of my clothes, tie up my hair, and put on those goggles which I am sure block out all of the harmful rays. As soon as I get in my little space capsule I realize I have to pee. I wonder if I have enough time to pee before it starts or if I can hold it for 6 minutes. I am so wrapped up in the thoughts about my impending UTI that I do not realize the machine never turned on. I open the door wearing nothing but a tiny towel and my thong and ask the girl if I went in the wrong booth.

“Uh Huh”

The other part of the plan is to tone my body. While in Wal Mart I see the Detox and Cleanse Plan by Jillian. Jillian seems to really help those people on the Biggest Loser, so surely she can help me. I will not elaborate on the two week process, but if I ever meet Jillian I’m gonna punch her in the gut.

I also purchased the P90X video which I have been doing for five weeks now. It is not easy making myself do this for an hour every night in my bedroom with the dirty laundry, three kids at my feet and a dog that wants to play with my hair when I am lying down. I can honestly say I have seen and felt a difference though. I have much more definition in my arms and stomach. I am like a 13 year old boy now because I stand in the mirror and look at my sexy arms. My husband caught me one day and asked when we were going to the gun show. He will also sit at the computer while I am sweating like a pig trying to follow along with the DVD and make remarks about where I need to put my legs or arms in order to look like the people on the DVD.

He can get in line behind Jillian.