Plan B

We had plan B all weekend at the lake. The boat was still in the shop. Our friend’s boat was still in the shop. Did we sit back and whine about how horrible life was? No. But it did make me think about all the plan B’s I have dealt with in my life.

People disappoint you. Jobs disappoint you. Children disappoint you. We all have choices to make in our lives, and sometimes choices get made for you. Remember when you were a teenager and you thought your life would be perfect by the time you reached a certain age? I always thought 29 would be my best year. I would perhaps be married, but definitely successful in my career and no children. Instead love knocked me for a loop when I was twenty and changed all my plans. My new plan was no plan. Just be happy in love. After I fought the idea of love and love won, it worked.

I thought this summer would be different in my life. I thought certain things would happen, but they just didn’t. Something may be the epicenter of your life, but a minor detail in someone else’s. It is easy to say “pull up your boot straps and dig in harder” when you are standing on the outside. The phrase “Give it to God” gets tossed around frequently in my head, but never seems to stick.

I have always felt that God gave me the strength and resources to deal with whatever life throws at me. That would be wonderful if I ever processed what life threw at me. I let it seep down deep inside me and fester. I feel I should work harder in order to make things perfect and not be weak.

I have known ever since I was a little girl in my blue and white lacey dress in Sunday school that God loved me. Should my plan B be to stop trying to be perfect and not allowing my life to fester? Surely not. No.

Obviously I am still in the fighting mode.

Shortly before I turned 29 I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I had so many plans for the summer and none of them included being pregnant. So much so I did not have any maternity insurance, which was a necessity at the time. I was worried the entire pregnancy about money, guilt, and not loving the baby once it got here. I prayed that God would allow me to be a good mother to all of my children. I also prayed this last child would weigh 24 pounds since I gained 70.

I instantly fell in love with all seven pounds and two ounces of her. A few days later she was lying in the bed between my husband and I. He made the remark that God meant for her to be here all along. We were waiting our whole lives for her to arrive. All of it may have been my plan B, but always God’s plan A.

After I fought the idea of love and love won, it worked.