My oldest daughter is now demanding that no one see her while she is changing clothes. I know she is growing up, but it seems a little odd to me. She went through a phase when she was two where she wanted to be naked all the time, including when I would answer the door of our house. The other kids are the same way. My son once showed his wee wee to the little girl next door – for no apparent reason. My youngest would kick her panties off and then scream, “I NAKED!”
They come by it honestly. I am a big fan of naked. My husband used to ask me what I wanted to do on a given night or weekend. My reply was always, “Get naked”. He eventually quit asking, but I do kick off my panties and scream, “I NAKED” on occasion.
On our honeymoon we stayed at a resort which had an optional nude beach. The resort also had weddings. Common sense would tell you the two should not go together. Evidently someone did not get that memo as there was a naked wedding while we were on our vacation. The entire wedding party (including the parents) wore nothing but a smile. To top it all off, these dumb sons a bitches took pictures. FAMILY pictures.
Too much of a good thing? I vote yes.
We all have certain experiences with nakedness which we would rather forget. Partial nakedness can be traumatic as well. I run down State Line Avenue quite often as it is a large road with good sidewalks. Many mornings I am the only person on those sidewalks, but there are a few homeless people walking up and down the street. On one such morning I was doing my usual run when I saw a homeless man coming toward me on the sidewalk. I had seen him many times before and we always wave as we pass. He was wearing his usual t-shirt and extremely large shorts held up by a belt. He is oblivious to the fact that his shorts are unzipped. Evidently he had also forgotten to add underwear to his ensemble. For those of you who have a hard time following along – this dude’s dick is in plain view and it is coming my way. My thoughts were as follows:
1. Well there is one mystery solved. It does all turn grey.
2. EEEEWWWWW.
3. Do not look it in the eye.
We passed each other on the sidewalk with no issues. I felt so embarrassed for him. I understand how it feels to humiliate yourself in public. But then I realized that guy doesn’t give a rats flying fat ass if he was partially naked. He eats out of dumpsters and craps in a ditch by the graveyard. He has bigger fish to fry. We all do. It is just nakedness.
Thank you for reading my post. I hope you feel a little better about yourself.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Say Hello to my Little Friend
What are friends for?
My daughter has recently asked me how many friends a person should have in their life. I told her 2-3 close ones, 5-6 people you talk to on occasion, and then other people you enjoy being around. In preparation for the next question, I have made up some rules on what constitutes a good friend. These are all true stories. I am on both sides of these, but I will let you decide which side….
A good friend will…….
Work out with you. She will ride a bike with you because you are learning how to do triathlons even though she says you both look like a couple of freaking Mormons riding all over town in a pair.
Put your bridesmaids dress on her credit card.
Pick through your Clinique free gift for what she wants because she says half of it” isn’t your color” even though you both have the same color eyes and hair.
Not see you for 18 years and then say,” You mean you aren’t a lesbian? Huh, I thought I had you pegged. Just kidding.” Then you both proceed to die laughing and pick up right where you left off.
Help you wipe fingerprints from a car.
Remind you that, “Yeah you did get really big with that last pregnancy”.
Let you drink really cheap wine in her backyard after having your first child and listen to you talk about how miserable you are and then watch you throw up that cheap wine in her grass while still talking about your child’s constant clear runny nose.
Meet your family and tell you they are all just as bat shit crazy as you are.
Friend- “Come pick me up”
Me – “Where are you?”
Friend – “No clue. It’s an apartment complex. I’m hiding behind a sign.”
Me – “I’ll start driving around”
Friend – “Can you bring me some McDonalds? No. Wendy’s”
Me – “Do you need a change of clothes too? Geez”
Friend – “That would be helpful,yes”
Help you get in and out of Spanx.
Text you that she has found an enormous metal chicken for sale on the side of the road and wants to know if you will split it with her because it will make everyone jealous. You simply reply SOLD and you both hatch a plan to ratchet strap a 10 foot chicken to the roof of her suburban. You laugh about your AWESOME plan to put it in your mutual friend Katherine’s yard in the middle of the night. You don’t care that her house is on the market and a big metal chicken might upset her neighbors in the fancy neighborhood. You both know she will pee in her robe when she sees it. You both plan to put it all over town in friend’s yards under cover of darkness.
Then you find out the 10 foot metal chicken is $650 and you both say, “Screw that. No one is worth $650.”
Be waiting for you every time you come out of surgery. And then have the following conversation with you while you are loopy from anesthesia….
Me – “Hey there! How are you feeling?”
Friend – “Do I have in a catheter?”
Me – “Ummmmm, well uhhh, do you need some water?”
Friend – Check and see if I have a catheter!”
Me – “I see a bag with yellow pee. You really should drink more water.”
Friend – “I think it came out. Feels warm. Check!”
Me – “I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR MONKEY. I’m calling a nurse”
Friend – “I don’t want her to see that!”
Me – “You just had a hysterectomy!!!! You are worried about this now???”
And finally, a real friend will text you to let you know a blog needs to be published, because nothing makes her feel better than reading about you making a fool of yourself
My daughter has recently asked me how many friends a person should have in their life. I told her 2-3 close ones, 5-6 people you talk to on occasion, and then other people you enjoy being around. In preparation for the next question, I have made up some rules on what constitutes a good friend. These are all true stories. I am on both sides of these, but I will let you decide which side….
A good friend will…….
Work out with you. She will ride a bike with you because you are learning how to do triathlons even though she says you both look like a couple of freaking Mormons riding all over town in a pair.
Put your bridesmaids dress on her credit card.
Pick through your Clinique free gift for what she wants because she says half of it” isn’t your color” even though you both have the same color eyes and hair.
Not see you for 18 years and then say,” You mean you aren’t a lesbian? Huh, I thought I had you pegged. Just kidding.” Then you both proceed to die laughing and pick up right where you left off.
Help you wipe fingerprints from a car.
Remind you that, “Yeah you did get really big with that last pregnancy”.
Let you drink really cheap wine in her backyard after having your first child and listen to you talk about how miserable you are and then watch you throw up that cheap wine in her grass while still talking about your child’s constant clear runny nose.
Meet your family and tell you they are all just as bat shit crazy as you are.
Friend- “Come pick me up”
Me – “Where are you?”
Friend – “No clue. It’s an apartment complex. I’m hiding behind a sign.”
Me – “I’ll start driving around”
Friend – “Can you bring me some McDonalds? No. Wendy’s”
Me – “Do you need a change of clothes too? Geez”
Friend – “That would be helpful,yes”
Help you get in and out of Spanx.
Text you that she has found an enormous metal chicken for sale on the side of the road and wants to know if you will split it with her because it will make everyone jealous. You simply reply SOLD and you both hatch a plan to ratchet strap a 10 foot chicken to the roof of her suburban. You laugh about your AWESOME plan to put it in your mutual friend Katherine’s yard in the middle of the night. You don’t care that her house is on the market and a big metal chicken might upset her neighbors in the fancy neighborhood. You both know she will pee in her robe when she sees it. You both plan to put it all over town in friend’s yards under cover of darkness.
Then you find out the 10 foot metal chicken is $650 and you both say, “Screw that. No one is worth $650.”
Be waiting for you every time you come out of surgery. And then have the following conversation with you while you are loopy from anesthesia….
Me – “Hey there! How are you feeling?”
Friend – “Do I have in a catheter?”
Me – “Ummmmm, well uhhh, do you need some water?”
Friend – Check and see if I have a catheter!”
Me – “I see a bag with yellow pee. You really should drink more water.”
Friend – “I think it came out. Feels warm. Check!”
Me – “I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR MONKEY. I’m calling a nurse”
Friend – “I don’t want her to see that!”
Me – “You just had a hysterectomy!!!! You are worried about this now???”
And finally, a real friend will text you to let you know a blog needs to be published, because nothing makes her feel better than reading about you making a fool of yourself
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