What I Have Learned Lately

1. I really do not need a purse. I can just carry my credit card, phone, and keys in my bra like the superskank in front of me in line at Wal Mart. When did this become appropriate? I have seen normal looking women do that too. Should I go up a cup size so I can put a pack of Kools in there too? A little sandwich for later? Ohhh, a Slim Jim in my cleavage so I can eat it without hands while driving! Safety first.



2. Spell check thinks superskank is not a word. I beg to differ.



3. I need to love my body. I have chunky thighs. This is no surprise to anyone including myself. When I run in my special running tights they make a very small swooshing sound. When running the other weekend and feeling kinda fat, I heard the LOUD sound of my thighs rubbing together. Over my headphones! I just wanted to give up. So I stopped…and the sound continued. It was someone raking leaves in their yard.



4. Do not take your car keys into a preschool when dressed as a tooth fairy. Three year olds can be ruthless with lines of questioning. Can you fly? Do you fly? Did you fly here? Why you only fly at night? Why do you have car keys if you can fly?????



And on a side note I take extra precautions to make sure they do not peak out the windows and see me pulling up in a car. I try to put on my costume somewhere else so they don’t see me changing into it in the parking lot. I used to do it in a gas station bathroom near by until the people in there started looking at me like I was some crazed fool thinking I was superman changing in a phone booth. I realize that in a tutu, wings, silver sparkly stilettos, and crown in Horatio, Arkansas I look more like a deranged whore than superman.



5. I may actually be a deranged whore, but I know what I am doing sometimes. I have learned that complete strangers who are twice my size will give me unsolicited advice on how to exercise and diet. As if I didn’t know that a quarter pounder and fries had more calories than spinach leaves. My dog knows that. I should do at least 30 minutes of cardio? Shit. I thought lying around and eating quarter pounders all day was how I got these racehorse legs.



6. Some women are mean. They are mean and disrespectful to their husbands. These women will stay married and become bitter while your sweet single girl friends are lonely and only want a husband to love. Kinda pisses me off.



7. Chewing out your husband over hamburger meat is not a good idea. I was pissed off about something else but decided to make a point over some ground beef, because that tactic ALWAYS works for you in the long run. Yep, you will get exactly what you want if you go mental over hamburger meat.



8. If your boss calls and is bringing over 10 boxes of your stuff so he can save you a trip, make sure you unlock the back door for him like he asked. Don’t forget. When you hear a constant knocking at the back door of the office 20 minutes later, don’t assume it is some lost drunk in the back of the building wanting to come in and kill you. Don’t continually ignore it….for like 10 minutes.



Good thing he didn’t have boxes of hamburger meat.



Thank you for reading my post, and I hope you feel a little better about yourself. 

Healthy Living I

I’m turning over a new leaf. Not really. I always try to be healthy, and think I do a good job of it at least a few hours a day. Like the hours I’m asleep.




A friend went to a nutritional seminar for a weekend and told me a little about the things she learned. I think moderation of all things is a good idea. I think getting rid of my gut is a wonderful idea. Anything to help the cause.



Healthy item number 1 – Coconut Water



After spending $80 at the health food store, I stocked my shelves with upgraded fish oil, melatonin, and a bunch of water. I thought it would taste like something that would remind me of the beach. Perhaps a Pina Colada even. It reminded me of what it would taste like to lick a waxed cardboard box, and that was just the tiny first sip.



While at a red light I decided to just be a real woman and take a big gulp – while holding my breath.



It was chunky.



I lost it. I am sure the person next to me at the red light thought the chic in the Mercedes was having a seizure. Maybe my body has a fear of drinking spoiled milk. I don’t know, but whatever I was expecting was NOT what I got. It is water for Pete’s sake. Who the hell has chunky water?



And I promise I don’t have a history of using the big bad white horse, but whatever makes me want to throw up in my mouth will come out my nose as well. I’m no ENT doctor but I don’t think that’s normal. Mind you, all of this occurred at a red light—in my dress clothes—on my way to a meeting. I was sweating, with chunky water on my shirt, and who knows what all around and in my nose. Everyone else in the meeting looked very professional. I looked like I was detoxing off heroine.



Turns out I purchased a fruit infused coconut water. Once I returned to my office I drank a plain bottle. Still not great, but sans chunky. I flat out refuse to chew my water. Did you know that coconut water is a diuretic? I didn’t really realize that until my second trip to the bathroom in less than 20 minutes. Yeah there were workmen in the office. The 5th time I went to the bathroom I noticed the workmen kind of looking at me and giggling. ARE YOU 10 YEARS OLD? IT’S WATER WEIGHT!!!!! I might offer them a nice drink of water the next time the do some more work.



I went home and ate 10 chessmen cookies. Up yours healthy.

thanks for reading, and I hope you feel a little better about yourself.