What I Have Learned Lately

1. I really do not need a purse. I can just carry my credit card, phone, and keys in my bra like the superskank in front of me in line at Wal Mart. When did this become appropriate? I have seen normal looking women do that too. Should I go up a cup size so I can put a pack of Kools in there too? A little sandwich for later? Ohhh, a Slim Jim in my cleavage so I can eat it without hands while driving! Safety first.



2. Spell check thinks superskank is not a word. I beg to differ.



3. I need to love my body. I have chunky thighs. This is no surprise to anyone including myself. When I run in my special running tights they make a very small swooshing sound. When running the other weekend and feeling kinda fat, I heard the LOUD sound of my thighs rubbing together. Over my headphones! I just wanted to give up. So I stopped…and the sound continued. It was someone raking leaves in their yard.



4. Do not take your car keys into a preschool when dressed as a tooth fairy. Three year olds can be ruthless with lines of questioning. Can you fly? Do you fly? Did you fly here? Why you only fly at night? Why do you have car keys if you can fly?????



And on a side note I take extra precautions to make sure they do not peak out the windows and see me pulling up in a car. I try to put on my costume somewhere else so they don’t see me changing into it in the parking lot. I used to do it in a gas station bathroom near by until the people in there started looking at me like I was some crazed fool thinking I was superman changing in a phone booth. I realize that in a tutu, wings, silver sparkly stilettos, and crown in Horatio, Arkansas I look more like a deranged whore than superman.



5. I may actually be a deranged whore, but I know what I am doing sometimes. I have learned that complete strangers who are twice my size will give me unsolicited advice on how to exercise and diet. As if I didn’t know that a quarter pounder and fries had more calories than spinach leaves. My dog knows that. I should do at least 30 minutes of cardio? Shit. I thought lying around and eating quarter pounders all day was how I got these racehorse legs.



6. Some women are mean. They are mean and disrespectful to their husbands. These women will stay married and become bitter while your sweet single girl friends are lonely and only want a husband to love. Kinda pisses me off.



7. Chewing out your husband over hamburger meat is not a good idea. I was pissed off about something else but decided to make a point over some ground beef, because that tactic ALWAYS works for you in the long run. Yep, you will get exactly what you want if you go mental over hamburger meat.



8. If your boss calls and is bringing over 10 boxes of your stuff so he can save you a trip, make sure you unlock the back door for him like he asked. Don’t forget. When you hear a constant knocking at the back door of the office 20 minutes later, don’t assume it is some lost drunk in the back of the building wanting to come in and kill you. Don’t continually ignore it….for like 10 minutes.



Good thing he didn’t have boxes of hamburger meat.



Thank you for reading my post, and I hope you feel a little better about yourself.