Wednesday was a long day. I started out receiving a sweet message about Amanda which made me cry so hard I couldn’t finish eating my fiber one bar. I also knew I had a meeting with the biggest self absorbed prick to make a pitch that afternoon as well. Then top it all off with my oldest daughter was still dealing with being called fat by another kid over the weekend. My motherly instinct was to go beat up this kid and perhaps threaten to set he and his family on fire (that one’s for you Jennie), but instead I told her a phrase which I have not mastered myself. A person only treats you bad if you let them.
The whole morning reminded me of a story when Andy bought the kids hamsters for Christmas including a labyrinth of tunnels and cages. It was great except for the one named Tex was an escape artist that hissed nonstop at Amanda. One night she is home by herself and Tex proceeds to escape from the cage and supply havoc in the perfectly appointed house. He hisses at Amanda, chews on furniture, claws up her drapes, and SHITS ALL OVER HER CARPET. I have such a wonderful picture in my head of her skinny ass in a nightgown with a broom chasing that glorified rat all over her house in the middle of the night. She said he wouldn’t get the best of her. He didn’t. A few months later Tex was found in the pool drain. She said it was an accident.
We all know the type of man I met with to ask for money. He looks me up and down like a piece of meat and then makes pansy little comments about what all he can do for me and how wonderful he is to the world. I usually just sit there and act sweet and do my job to the best of my abilities. Wednesday I said to hell with that. I put on a pair of heels that looked like I could make him use his orange AND red safe words. I pulled the rest of me together and forgot about what people told me about him probably saying no to me this year. I pulled into the parking lot, slammed my car door, and pounded my heels across the pavement while listening to the sweet sound of my ego swelling.
I walked in there and proceeded to shit on his carpet. I had a smartassed reply for every comment he made. I even smiled at the son of a bitch. I leaned forward in my chair and asked for more money…..and I got it.
Now before you say I played the girl card and used my sexiness to get money out of someone please remember I spent two hours stuck behind a dryer and once sprained my foot while attempting to do the electric slide in my office while wearing high heeled boots. Erin Brockovich I am not.
Also he didn’t see me turn my ankle and bust my ass in the parking lot after the meeting. I didn’t let him treat me bad…
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Hobbies
Since I sit around with a lot of time on my hands, I have hobbies. Here are a few.
Purchase Redbox movies. I know they are $1 per night but I much prefer to lose them under a kid’s bed and never see them again. I only know I buy them after a $24 charge shows up on my bank statement.
Let people give me guilt trips. I love sitting around with another mother who tells me she is the world’s best parent because she breastfed for a century, doesn’t RUN because that would take time away from her children, and certainly does not go out of town to compete in races because that would make her selfish. I’ve stayed at home and I’ve worked. I’ve had time to exercise and also known when I needed to hang out with family instead. To each their own. The best part is when you see and meet these champion’s children. They have obviously taken all that time that they demanded be spent with their children and spent absolutely no time parenting. You are raising a GANGSTA. If you are dying to label someone else, you might want to look in the mirror. My favorite was the one who said I was lazy because I bought pre cut carrots. She can kiss my dimpled ass.
Take the longest route possible. I have GPS on my phone and can travel across the country without a problem. I drive an extra mile just to get to Wal Mart. I do not mentally plan when on the road and feel like complete crap when I am in the right hand turn lane on Texas Boulevard when there is an arrow but I just need to go straight and a line a mile long is behind me griping about how some dumb chic is sitting still in the turn lane. “We all could have been there by now if she wasn’t sitting there like a fool.” I feel guilty.
Speak my mind. If I do not like you, I simply tell you. To your face. Give me a drink and I’ll tell you why I don’t like you and what I do or do not like about your family. I have actually told someone-“I like you, your sister—not so much.”
Don’t Listen. I don’t listen to good advice. I don’t listen to bad advice. I don’t listen to my husband. Not is the way you might think as in he tells me advice, because he doesn’t. I wouldn’t listen to him anyway. I don’t listen to a word he says sometimes. He can be talking on and on about something when we are driving somewhere for thirty minutes and then ask me a question and I realize I have not heard a word he has said. I’ve just been looking out the window thinking about shoes or some shit.
We leave next week for vacation.
As always thank for reading and I hope you feel better about yourself.
Purchase Redbox movies. I know they are $1 per night but I much prefer to lose them under a kid’s bed and never see them again. I only know I buy them after a $24 charge shows up on my bank statement.
Let people give me guilt trips. I love sitting around with another mother who tells me she is the world’s best parent because she breastfed for a century, doesn’t RUN because that would take time away from her children, and certainly does not go out of town to compete in races because that would make her selfish. I’ve stayed at home and I’ve worked. I’ve had time to exercise and also known when I needed to hang out with family instead. To each their own. The best part is when you see and meet these champion’s children. They have obviously taken all that time that they demanded be spent with their children and spent absolutely no time parenting. You are raising a GANGSTA. If you are dying to label someone else, you might want to look in the mirror. My favorite was the one who said I was lazy because I bought pre cut carrots. She can kiss my dimpled ass.
Take the longest route possible. I have GPS on my phone and can travel across the country without a problem. I drive an extra mile just to get to Wal Mart. I do not mentally plan when on the road and feel like complete crap when I am in the right hand turn lane on Texas Boulevard when there is an arrow but I just need to go straight and a line a mile long is behind me griping about how some dumb chic is sitting still in the turn lane. “We all could have been there by now if she wasn’t sitting there like a fool.” I feel guilty.
Speak my mind. If I do not like you, I simply tell you. To your face. Give me a drink and I’ll tell you why I don’t like you and what I do or do not like about your family. I have actually told someone-“I like you, your sister—not so much.”
Don’t Listen. I don’t listen to good advice. I don’t listen to bad advice. I don’t listen to my husband. Not is the way you might think as in he tells me advice, because he doesn’t. I wouldn’t listen to him anyway. I don’t listen to a word he says sometimes. He can be talking on and on about something when we are driving somewhere for thirty minutes and then ask me a question and I realize I have not heard a word he has said. I’ve just been looking out the window thinking about shoes or some shit.
We leave next week for vacation.
As always thank for reading and I hope you feel better about yourself.
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