Hobbies

Since I sit around with a lot of time on my hands, I have hobbies. Here are a few.

Purchase Redbox movies. I know they are $1 per night but I much prefer to lose them under a kid’s bed and never see them again. I only know I buy them after a $24 charge shows up on my bank statement.

Let people give me guilt trips. I love sitting around with another mother who tells me she is the world’s best parent because she breastfed for a century, doesn’t RUN because that would take time away from her children, and certainly does not go out of town to compete in races because that would make her selfish. I’ve stayed at home and I’ve worked. I’ve had time to exercise and also known when I needed to hang out with family instead. To each their own. The best part is when you see and meet these champion’s children. They have obviously taken all that time that they demanded be spent with their children and spent absolutely no time parenting. You are raising a GANGSTA. If you are dying to label someone else, you might want to look in the mirror. My favorite was the one who said I was lazy because I bought pre cut carrots. She can kiss my dimpled ass.

Take the longest route possible. I have GPS on my phone and can travel across the country without a problem. I drive an extra mile just to get to Wal Mart. I do not mentally plan when on the road and feel like complete crap when I am in the right hand turn lane on Texas Boulevard when there is an arrow but I just need to go straight and a line a mile long is behind me griping about how some dumb chic is sitting still in the turn lane. “We all could have been there by now if she wasn’t sitting there like a fool.” I feel guilty.

Speak my mind. If I do not like you, I simply tell you. To your face. Give me a drink and I’ll tell you why I don’t like you and what I do or do not like about your family. I have actually told someone-“I like you, your sister—not so much.”

Don’t Listen. I don’t listen to good advice. I don’t listen to bad advice. I don’t listen to my husband. Not is the way you might think as in he tells me advice, because he doesn’t. I wouldn’t listen to him anyway. I don’t listen to a word he says sometimes. He can be talking on and on about something when we are driving somewhere for thirty minutes and then ask me a question and I realize I have not heard a word he has said. I’ve just been looking out the window thinking about shoes or some shit.

We leave next week for vacation.


As always thank for reading and I hope you feel better about yourself.