Into the Mystic

Things are not always as they appear. You know that feeling you get when your mind and eyes play tricks on you. Like when you are alone in the house and you walk into the kitchen in the middle of the night. For a split second you think, “Oh Shit there is a grizzly bear in the laundry room!”, then you realize it is a coat.




And really-what was going to be your plan of action if it had been a grizzly bear? They so often stand still like that in laundry rooms, so I bet you have time to get a gun or something. Kill him with the coffee creamer? Smack him unconscious with the cat food bag? The possibilities are endless.



Or when people hear one thing and completely miss the meaning. Our daughter had been experiencing an upset stomach for the past few mornings. We later learned that this was due to being worried about her gymnastics class. Seems there was a skill she was having problems mastering and had turned herself into a great big ball of stress over it. She was so worried about not being perfect that she made herself physically ill with worry. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE SHE GETS THIS FROM. Anyway, she wanted to find another reason for her illness. Stomach virus? Sinus drainage? She even asked us if she had morning sickness. She’d heard about it, and thought maybe that was her problem. She is eight. We didn’t tell her all the details, but assured her she did not have the correct self-diagnosis.



As many of you know, Lacy and I take a yearly girls trip. This year we have decided to sneak away to my mother’s house. She lives on the beach in a beautiful condo. The condo is also an hour away from Orlando. All of this means Lacy and I are going to Universal Studios without our children. Mothers of the Year.



I called Nana last week to ask if we could add another friend to the trip. I was going to surprise her and let her know that one of my cousins was going to come on the trip. Here is the conversation –



Me – Can we bring another friend?

Nana – What kind of friend?

Me – A nice friend that doesn’t take up a lot of room???

Nana – I don’t think you and Lacy need to bring a male friend. I just wouldn’t approve.

Me – (complete shocked silence)

Nana – Just girls! Ya’ll don’t need to bring a man down here.



Well there goes our plan of clubbing some poor unsuspecting bastard in line at the Harry Potter ride and dragging him back to Nana’s condo. Damnit. I wonder if I kept that receipt for the chloroform? I’m taking that shit back.



I am sure nana was covering all her bases. We laughed about it later in the conversation. She never even let me call boys growing up at home. She thinks I’m going to bring some boy toy to her house? She sure has it wrong. I would never, under any circumstances, share a man with Lacy.



Thank you for reading, and I hope you feel better about yourself. At least you haven’t been “blocked” by your own mother……