"Is there anything you cannot do?"

I am a very busy woman. I raise my kids, I work full time, I go to school, run, and lead cub scouts, etc. A woman once asked me, “Is there anything you cannot do?” My reply was, “Oh, sister, there is a list.”

Here it goes –

Find my way out of a paper bag.
Many times I have been in tears because I do not know where I am. I love directions that start out with, “Head North”. I have not a clue which way is north. My husband tells me to look at the sun in order to find my bearings. I don’t know where the sun is! I don’t know which direction it sets! I know God takes it away at night and then throws it back up in the sky sometime during my morning run.

I’ve been to New Orleans many times in my life. I always attempt to arrive in the French Quarter at my hotel. I always take a side trip past the Superdome and end up in the Ninth Ward.

I have been lost on a road trip by myself using a map, the GPS on my phone, and turn by turn directions from MapQuest. The kids know not to talk when Mommy is lost.

Big Ben. Parliament.


Get a Credit Card
I have shitty credit. Not slow credit. Not bad credit. Shitty. I do not know what my actual credit score is, but I am fairly certain it is a single digit. There are two issues here. One is that I married very young and do not have credit cards. Well, I do have a Victoria’s Secret card, but that’s it. It is a good thing to pay cash for everything right??? The other problem is I never pay Vicky on time.

That is my personal life. At work I know what amount is in every bank account at any given time. I know how to work the interest and line items in order to get the greatest returns. Can I remember to pay for my own panties? No.

Walk and Chew Gum
I could fall down standing still and flat footed. As a matter of fact, I have. I never fall down in the manner of “Ooops I slipped and landed on my derriere.” Nope, I fall down in the style of “Dang, did you see that girl do a face plant and chip her tooth?” I have fallen down, tripped, or both in public places like - my office, the school bus, all over the University of Arkansas, and even in my own bedroom.

One such incident occurred on my first night home from my honeymoon. Chad and I were renting what was loosely defined as a townhouse. It was really a two story hellhole 100 yards from the railroad tracks. Our master bedroom was barely big enough to fit our newly purchased king size bed and the old dresser we found on the side of the road.

My plan was to emerge from the bathroom across the hall, take a few running steps, jump onto the bed, and land seductively on my side. As it turned out, my foot caught the side of that once abandoned dresser and only half of my body briefly landed on the bed. My head bounced on the edge of the bed then met the rest of my body in a heap on the floor.

Please keep in mind that I was buck naked. I like to set the tone.

I hope you have enjoyed my first ever post, and maybe feel a little better about yourself.