River Cities Tri

1. It was suggested I not smoke while here at the Triathlon.

2. I brought lip gloss. It’s for the gator when he puts you in a death roll. You’ll look nice when Vickers comes to pick you up.

3. I plan on doing most of the swim on my back, just like I’ve floated through the rest of my life…

4. Sorry I can’t come to watch you in this triathlon thing. My Grandma’s outta Scotch and I have to deliver her a case. Sorry.

5. Rolling hills my ass.

6. You paid to do this? Have you gone completely batshit crazy?

7. Some men plum smuggle better than others I have noticed.

8. Does she have a bike in that Mini Car? Is it like some tent she throws out on the ground and it puts itself together? OMG LOOK! She is pulling bike parts out of that car. Like a damn assassin! I bet she can put that thing together with her eyes closed. Mrs. MacGyver!!!

9. You paid what for that bike? You have gone batshit crazy!

10. Next time I come to one of these things I’m gonna be more prepared. You will see a whole new me. Do the race? Oh hell no. I’m bringing a chair, fan, and a full icechest. Do the race…That’s funny.

11. I am so nasty after swimming in that mess. Andy Dufrane was cleaner when he escaped from Shawshank Prison.