weighing in

I am once again working harder on my weight loss.

I should really say that I will quit eating crap while pretending to work on my weight loss. When you sustain yourself on a diet of beer and oysters for 4 days on a trip, your weight tends to reflect it when you get home.

Weight Watchers is the best program I have ever used, and I can tell you the approximate point value of any food on the planet. I know that lots of things are zero points, like individual jello servings, and air. What makes it easier is when you have someone else doing the program with you. Not so great though when they get more points than you do on any given day.

“Oh, you still have 20 points left for the day? That’s nice. I am at zero points left for the day so I’m going to eat 15 jello servings and run my tongue down in the plastic container in order to get every single ounce left in there. Then I will take half a Tylenol PM in order to make me sleep so I can finally quit thinking about eating. “

Writing this I come to the realization I am like a tiger that has to be shot with a tranquilizer gun in order to stop attacking prey - Although my prey is Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and not a wildebeest. Same difference.

While attempting to make my diet tea at the office this morning, I notice the water cooler has slowed down to a trickle. I decide I can take matters into my own hands and change out the water. While I am dragging the large and hefty water barrel across the carpeted room in my high heels and dress pants, I hear a rip. I just split my pants? To God, my maker, my leader and listener in troubled times, I can only say – “Really Dude? It’s Monday!”

Thank goodness no one was around when I put my head between my legs in a yoga move in order to survey the damage. Nothing says “leadership” from a boss like putting yourself into a pretzel in order to look at your own ass. The hole is rather small, which is good considering I don’t have time to go home and change. I can just cover the hole by carrying my oversized purse in a certain way when I walk. Instead of people seeing the hole I ripped, they will just assume I have sharted in my white pants from the Gap. PROBLEM SOLVED.